As a 23 year old, I tend to think about life. A lot.
What am I supposed to be doing? Am I happy? Do I suddenly want a baby? Do I want 4 babies? Do I want to travel overseas? Do I even have money to travel overseas? Do I want that dress? Do I want that bag? How can I get enough money for a Chanel bag? Do I want to dye my hair silver? Am I hungry? Yes. What do I want to eat? I DON’T KNOW
Life is bewildering. It has, strangely, become harder since I finished university and entered the work force. I am no longer governed by university or school timetables. I no longer have allocated holidays each semester. I no longer have various weekdays free that I used to take for granted (I mean, have you ever tried dealing with a bank or doctors when they are only open during your working hours? Seriously, how does that even make sense?)
I now deal with the realities of bills, a limited amount of annual leave days, expensive flights and hotel prices if I ever want to go anywhere as I can only do these things on weekends. I have slowly morphed into a 50 year old who enjoys spending time on the couch all weekend, every weekend. Well, that is what I’d prefer to be doing, but my group of friends (who are all incredibly lovely) like to actually do things which means I need to get off the couch and actually socialise.
Don’t get me wrong – I consider myself an adventure lover. I LOVE the outdoors, I feel alive at the beach and I love going out. But there was definitely a period in my life, which I am still trying to get over the effects of, where I was studying full time finishing off a bachelors and doing a graduate certificate simultaneously, working full time, planning a wedding and moving out, ALL AT ONCE. It was insane, it was crazy. It meant I was out of the house from 7.30am each morning to head to work, going immediately to night classes after work and coming home at around 10.30pm most nights, where I would wolf down a very late dinner and absolutely FORCE myself to study for the next day’s class. I had little sleep, I ate horribly, I was exhausted, but due to my personality, I kept going and steamrolled through all of it.
I did that for about 18 months. But it definitely took its toll. I had only just turned 21 when that started.
That period in my life was 18 months ago from now. It is still taking its toll. It’s caused me to search through my soul deeply, and some of the answers I have found has caused me to truly question myself. More annoyingly, some of the answers are still yet to be found, which frustrates me.
But that’s life. I’m incredibly young, and I know that others my age experience this as well. This soul-wrenching, soul-crushing, soul-searching extravaganza where we are trying to figure out who we are in a world full of possibilities, opportunities, and choice.
So this is what this blog is going to be about. I’ve thought about this blog a lot. I’ve started others in years past and never really felt like what I was writing was me. But now, at this time in my life, I need to write it down. Because I thought I’d have it together by now. In some instances, I do. I have a gorgeous husband – and I consider myself so incredibly fucking lucky to have him because the way we got together and the way we are is a rare story (we’ve been together since we were 15) and I am completely aware that not everyone gets together with the love of their life in high school.
But there is also a part of me which is SURPRISED. I finished school, I got the job. Why wasn’t I completely happy? Why was I craving other things? I was supposed to be ‘set’. And I was. But being ‘set’ in life and being happy can sometimes mean completely different things.
I’m going to explore this on this blog as I wonder through life and learn, learn, learn. I hope that this will become a platform for us to share our experiences together. Because we are NOT alone. No way. Everyone has their path, everyone has their insecurities and questions and gosh, sometimes it is just easier to pour your heart out in words and let it all out there. Because that way I know I’m going to grow. And I hope you will grow with me.